Realities Over Yearnings

Reality = that which exists, independent of human awareness

Over = above or higher than

Yearning = A persistent desire

I have to let go of what could have been and see what was. I will miss the good times and hold onto those memories. I have to let go of the pain, sorrow and sadness but I will never forget.

In remembering, learning, and forgiving...in time, I will be stronger.

It was passionate, fun, adventurous, exciting and comfortable... at times. Unfortunately, it was also exhausting, frustrating, confusing, and heartbreaking more times than necessary... so I have to close that chapter.


It will forever change the story, but I have to move forward and begin writing a new one. One filled with joy, happiness, and love for me.

Fears.. throwing this one away!

I have a lot of emotional fears but I decided to start with probably the biggest one for me right now.

I have a huge fear of losing those in my life. I am terrified constantly if I say what I really feel or what I want that I will be rejected & hurt. I do this in my intimate, family and friendship relationships.

I am learning to take control of my life not those in my life. I have never felt the desire to control others but in my passive way of not giving those around me all of the real me I have been doing just that. By not stating clearly and without conviction what I want or don’t want I have allowed myself to become a weakened version of me, one that begs for love but never feels like I deserve it. I want to be confident enough to know that I can put myself out there and no matter what happens I tried. I went after what I wanted and I did it for me.

I have always taken care of me and my son financially and will continue to do so. However, emotionally is another story. I have never felt loved, truly loved, by anyone but my son. In a rational way I know that I have friends and family that love me but feeling it inside me only lies within me. I have not loved me most of my life. I have flaws that I nag at and pick at destroying myself. My idea of someone showing their love is a beaten, bruised, twisted, and misguided image and has been my whole life. I will not blame this on others and I am the only one that can change the way I view love. I see the idealistic romantic notions on TV and I want to have that too, that is TV not reality. We can have moments of grand romantics and passion but it has to joined with loyalty, trust, honesty, friendship, and the freedom to be who we are.

I find myself drawn to those that use and abuse me in some way or that allow me to use and abuse myself in order to gain what I see as their love. Well I am standing up and putting my foot down. Does that mean I have to cut out anyone and/or everyone in my life who was not giving me what I truly wanted or needed?

No, but it does mean that I have the right to say what I do and don’t want in my life. To say what I will and will not accept and goodbye to those that don’t fit in my life. We all make choices constantly everyday and we have to live with them and know that even if we make a mistake once in awhile that we had the courage to make the choice and accept responsibility no matter the outcome.

I will not allow anyone to take my power of loving me anymore. It’s my life and I want to spend the rest of it at peace with myself and challenging myself to find new adventures in life and be truly happy… my happy not anyone else’s.

Shaun's Halloween Costume

Today Shaun and I looked online for costume idea's. He wanted to be Michael Meyers but decided on Jason instead. We looked at pictures and came up with a game plan. We headed out to make the costume.

6.49 for a jacket at Goodwill
5.00 for knife
2.00 for mask at Walmart
some hand-me-down pants
and a lot of fun tearing up our purchases.


Shaun put on the jacket and slide across the wet trampoline.We dragged it around the firepit to put more black marks on it. Then laid it in the gravel drive and drove over it a few dozen times... this was the funnest part :) We then took it to the basement and with Shaun standing back I took a serrated knife and cut, scratched and mutilated the jacket and pants. We completed the look with an old knit top of mine that had some holes in it.
As we looked over the costume we felt pretty good but the clothes part seems so gross and dirty like the character but the mask was bright white and brand new. So back to drive way we went smooshing and scraping it in the gravel and dirt. The final product was an old used looking hockey mask and a great big smile on my little ones face. Yes I know how weird that sounds but he was so proud of helping to make his costume and thought i was crazy for running over it with the car!

Happy with my decisions

Recently I have been going through a tough break up. I ask myself constantly why if this was my decision is it so hard. I have finally come up with a few answer while I am still searching for the rest. I am not ready to let go of the relationship, but I realize that it is not good for me. It needs change and only I can change my part. I have been reading, praying, and relying on my friends and even Roy to help me through this. I have burden my friends an fair amount and for that I am sorry. I have tried to cut off all ties with Roy but I just can't seem to do it. I feel better when I have talked to him whether we are getting along or not. I am still standing up for what I want and what I need in life. That is a huge step for me. I have reached out to a professional to help me heal and build myself back up. I start seeing her on Tuesday and I am scared but hopeful. I have been needing some help figureing out me for a long time even without the recent relationship problems.

Now this next part will probably bother some of you close to me but it's how I feel. All I can do is hope you have as much confidence and faith in me as I do about this decision.


I still have hope for Roy and I...someday. Yes this would require a lot of change on both our parts and I know I can only make changes and better myself. I do hope that he can do his part grow up and be the man I deserve. I will not sit by and make him do it but I will stand tall working on myself and hope that he is doing the same. I love him and want the best for him. I am learning that I have to love me and want whats best for me even more whether it works out for us or not. But I am young and have lots of life left so there is always a possibility that someday it will be. For now I am still talking to him, we both have care and concern for one another but we cannot be together at this time. I am feeling very confident about my decision and looking forward to being a better me.

Letting out a big sigh and moving forward.

Explains it so well... for now

Thinking Out Loud lyrics by Lesley Roy

I've been losing my mind

I've been living a lie

I've been running away

For so long

I try to put on a face

And cover my heart

But I'm needing it now

So bad

````````````````

I don't know

How I feel

Maybe I'm mad

Or maybe I'm proud

Can't find the truth

Can't speak my mind

Don't know what Ill say

I'm just thinking out loud

Thinking out loud

````````````````

No, no I cant explain

What's happened to me

I feel like I'm right

And wrong

Inside everything's upside down

Everything's spinning around

And it's freaking me out

````````````````

I don't know

How I feel

Maybe I'm mad

Or maybe I'm proud

Can't find the truth

Can't speak my mind

Don't know what Ill say

I'm just thinking out loud

````````````````

If only for a day

I could be free

I bet you'd feel the same

If you were me

I'm gonna spit it out

Just let go.

I've been losing my mind

I've been living a lie

I've been running away

For so long

````````````````

I don't know

How I feel

Maybe I'm mad

Or maybe I'm proud

Can't find the truth

Can't speak my mind

I don't know what Ill say

I'm just thinking out loud

I'm thinking out loud

````````````````

Thinking out loud

Can't find the truth

Can't speak my mind

I don't know what Ill say

I'm just thinking out loud.

Words Only Wenesday

What we grieve for is not the loss of a grand vision, but rather the loss of common things, events, and gestures.

Ordinariness is the most precious thing we struggle for.

—Irena Kelpfisz —

Trying

My eyes are burning
My chest is aching
I cannot breath

I am angry and pissed off
I am disappointed and let down
I am hurt and broken...
but I still love!

How did I get here?
How could I have let this happen?

Everyone says be strong...I used to be.
I am trying. I am failing over and over with every tear.

I just want the pain to stop!

All I ever wanted was to be loved!

Why am I the unloveable one?????

A new start

Its the first morning of a new week. I'm feeling better and I have decided that I want to try Jasmin's new church. My boss Joe also has been attending this church for a long time and from his description it might be a great fit for Shaun and I. Its something I have been missing from life for quite a while now and in quest to build a better stronger me I think its a good place to start.

Hoping for a great week :)

My Amazing Son!!

We had parent teacher conferences last night I have to brag a little. These were student lead conferences where the teacher sits down with us and he presents his work, his strength & weaknesses, and goals to us. Last year when we did this he was very shy and nervous but this time he stood proud.

Shaun is making all A’s and B’s even with being out of school for an entire week due to H1N1. He made up all the work he missed in a fraction of the time given. His math and reading scores continue to be way above the school & national average. To my surprise one of the A’s is an A+ in Spanish. He was extremely nervous about taking this class and it’s now one of his favorites. He has decided that he LOVES science and would like to go into a career combining science and animals… big surprise there huh. J

It’s just the beginning of the school year but he has already been noted as responsible, helpful and been seen doing random acts of kindness. His teacher said “He is so intelligent and he is confident but laid back. He is a joy to have in my class”. He even designed his Crew (aka homeroom) class banner. They are the “Brewer Funky Monkeys!”. So fitting for him, he has been the monkey boy his whole life. LOL

We all know Shaun is smart, talented, and kind but middle school can be awkward and scary. So far he is conquering it like the great little man that he is. I am so proud of him and had to brag a little.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TRACY!!

Tracy Underwood-Wood..(i giggle everytime I type this).. is one of my bestfriends and my "Friend Twin". There are so many things that we have in common but don't appear to be anything alike in a physical sense. We are 4 days a part and earlier this week on my birthday Tracy posted a list of 28 things she knew about me representing me [us] turning 28. So I have decided I LOVED it so much that I am going to do the same about her.

1. She is loyal

2. One of the FUNNIEST people I have ever met

3. Extremely Beautiful, inside and out!

4. She has an amazing gift with words

5. Creative, talented and forgiving

6. Loves STARBUCKS :)

7. Is a GREAT mother & wife

8. Always there when I need her

9. I can sit in silence and be completely content around her... although I don't think that happens very often as we are always laughing our butts off

10. Her feelings run deep and genuine

11. She doesn't like sports but loves to support her husbands teams

12. Has the best collection of jammie's

13. Types with just one finger.. but at the speed of light

14. Perfect blend of country & city

15. Loves music of all kinds

16. Is OCD about having things clean before bed

17. Goes to bed WAY to early

18. Loves Fashion, accessories and handbags

19. A great P.I.

20. Gives Great Advice

21. A Libra.. JUST LIKE ME :D

22. Loves to receive cards especially when a personal note is written

23. LOVE SURPRISES... just kidding they make her a nervous wreck but put a smile on face when she receives them

24. Is great at journaling her life and capturing those moments on film

25. Will wear flip-flops all year long.. as long as the snow isn't too deep

26. Has perfect skin.. without a flaw

27. Did I say funny, because it could be on here about 5 times and still not be enough

28. She has never met a stranger

She is my "call" when the good, the bad, the ugly or just plain silly happen she is who I call. I look up to her and value our friendship very much. I LOVE YOU "T"!!

Happy Birthday :)

Birthday Update

As I posted previously my best friends made my birthday so special. I wanted to show off my great gifts and give a little recap:
It started on Sunday October 4th with a Chiefs game with Roy. We got great seats; great weather and even though they didn’t win it we still had a good time. I saw my dad got lots of good pictures.

Then Monday was my official BIRTHDAY! Jasmin came to see me for lunch and brought me one of the funniest and true cards and a large bouquet of balloons in the shape of flowers and a butterfly. I just wish I was down stairs watching her trying to get them through the revolving door. After lunch I came back to my desk and as I started to get back to work I got an announcement that I had a delivery in the lobby. "Wow really two in one day". I had a smile from ear to ear because I just knew it had to be from Tracy… she had hinted to a surprise earlier ;) I got to the lobby to find a very colorful, fresh beautiful bouquet of carnation flowers and a sweet card. I sniffed the flowers so much on the way back to my desk that I got light headed. The card said “Two friends-4days apart with love on your birthday. Tracy” so I know Tracy pretty well and I knew there was some sort of message beyond the kind words I just couldn’t figure it out. So the next day she asked if I got the connection between the flower colors and the card. I had to admit I didn’t even think it had to do with the colors I just thought she picked ones I liked. So this is what the meaning to my card and flowers.

2 yellow flowers= 2 FRIENDS, 4 pink flowers= Pink is for Oct & 4=days apart
1 red flower is Love on your day!

Shaun gave me a card and a box of MIKE & IKE's... he said he couldn't find Hot Tamales. He's such a sweetie. LOL I also received lots loving and fun phone calls and emails from other friends and family.

So as my birthday week continues I’m still slowly celebrating. Jason and Sarah took me to “The Thai Place” for lunch today; yes that’s what it's called. It is my favorite restaurant. We laughed and gorged on great food and took a little extra time to digest. I got back from lunch and my boss brought me a gift from him and his wife. It’s a great bag brought back from Korea, all hand silk and pretty. I received one from them as a gift last year in a spring pattern and this one will be a great fall winter item. Thanks to everyone who made my birthday (day and week) a great one.

NOW it’s time to get ready for “T’s” fabulous birthday. YAY!!! October 9th !!!!

The card is hilarious from Jamin. You can't really see it in the picture but she wrote on top of the ladies heads... "Me.... You.... Tracy"! We are fabulous and will be the most fabulous old ladies :)

I have the BEST FRIENDS!!

I will post more later when I'm at home and have time but I just have to share that my BESTIE EVER Tracy & Jasmin have made me feel so special today! Thank you for the hilarious card and balloons Jas! And Thank you for the wonderful carnations "T"! I've been sniffing them so much I'm light headed :)

At 7:45 PM Tonight...

It will be ....

378,432,000 secs...

6,307,200 mins...

105,096 hours...

4,379 days...

625.6 weeks ...

and 12 years...

Since I met you for the very first time.

Happy Birthday!!

Blessings in Disguise

Well it is Shaun's first day of junior high today and we messed up big time. I knew I should have gone and checked his alarm clock.

I woke up when Roy got home at 6:55 AM. DAMN i thought 6:55... Shaun is supposed to be ready for the bus by 7AM. As these thoughts run through my head and I'm jumping from the bed I hear the "honk, honk" outside and then the bus pull away. OMG what have I done!! I run to the stairs and call up to Shaun who is still fast asleep in his bed. Get up baby you have missed the bus we got hurry. Shaun and I get dressed and out the door in 15 minutes. I am panicking and cranky, I hate rushed mornings. So I'm moving crazy fast and kind of short tempered trying to make sure we got him there on time when he turns and says to me as calm as can be.. "I bet I make new friends on my way to class". "Your first hour?" I asked. He looked at me and then out the window and said "yep" with a big grin. But then I realized that this was just a blessing in disguise. I didn't think there was anyway I could get him there on time and get myself to work on time too so I hadn't planned on getting to see him walk into the new building today. But due to our faulty alarms and tired eyes I was able to witness another amazing milestone in his life.

He is so different from me when I was his age. I was insecure and had a very poor self image of my self physically and mentally. He is confident and sure of himself. He's mature and responsible and it makes me proud to know that I had a hand in that.

I pulled up to the school and watched him disappear into the big building, full of pride with his head held high, not an once of fear or hesitation on his face. I took a deep breath and pushed back the tears. I realized we did it and did it together! I am glad that alarm didn't work this morning and I can't wait to get home and hear all about his first day.

I love me.. I love me.. I think?

I recently read a blog a friend wrote and I could totally relate to something she said. She was talking about how she had lost weight and yet still felt horrible about her body, sometimes even worse than the way she did before she had lost any weight. Even though her husband was telling her how much he loved her and how sexy she was to him she still felt horrible. I have definitely had those moments.

I lost a total of 125lbs; the last 25 came off fast when I got sick and was really unhealthy. I have had to change how I eat again, just like when I started this journey but for very different reasons. I am now controlling my stomach issues the best I can and have put back on about 15lbs because I had lost WAY too much way to fast and it really was unhealthy and I looked sick. I have been at my goal size now for about 4 months and I still have major body image issues. I can still look in the mirror and pick out a hundred flaws. Are we ever happy with who we are??

I was feeling way more insecure about my body after I had lost weight. It took me 2 ½ years to lose the extra weight I was dragging around and now I still feel disgusting. My body at a size 8 now is not like my body was at a size 8 before I got fat. The clothes may fit and scale has a much smaller number but that doesn’t mean that things go back to the way they were. I got so used to thinking of myself as fat, or as I was technically diagnosed “morbidly obese” (see “T” it could always be worse) that when I wasn’t considered “fat” anymore but I still hated the way I looked it was even harder. It was so much easier to just say “oh well know I’m big”.

I look in the mirror and feel ashamed. I wonder how I could have ever let myself get to the way I was at nearly 250lbs. The proof of my negligence is marked all over my body with stretch marks, extra skin and cellulite. I cannot blame my failure on anyone but myself and I know I was completely responsible for the destruction of my body. I try very hard every day to let go of my old way of thinking but I still struggle. We are all human can be envious of others but wouldn’t we be so much happier no matter what our shape and size was if we just put all our efforts into making ourselves and loved ones feel good? A fantasy I know.

Movies are made up with lots of flashy lights and magazine covers and ads are airbrushed. We can’t all have a makeup artist to follow us around to cover all those “blemishes” we see in our bodies so why do we punish ourselves for not looking like the painted and polished versions of those we see every day on TV and in magazines?

Well, NO MORE!! They say you should look in the mirror everyday and tell yourself that you love yourself just the way you are. Ok that has always sounded corny to me but what could it hurt right? So I am going to try this and see how it works. I also have a new goal of building endurance and toning up. I’m not good at intentional exercise so wish me luck. And if you are ever at my home and see the notes posted to myself on the bathroom mirror, go ahead and give them a try, what can it hurt right?

...And they're off....

I had the most wonderful evening with Tracy and the Starbucks patio. I had really missed my “T” time and we had a blast. Unfortunately we did have to go home at some point so we said our goodbyes and I headed to Subway to pick up dinner for the family. Grabbed a few sandwiches and I was on my way home when I got caught at a red light. As I sat there I was people watching like usually when all of a sudden the light turned green and the race was on.

To my left there was an old man in a Mercedes, or something like that, convertible and on his left there was this red fast & furious type import card with a big fin and one of those mufflers that sound like the sewing machines taking off into space.. you know what I’m talking about. Well these too had apparently been eyeing each other because the green light came and away they went. Squealing tires and all, then I see the funniest thing ever. The old man hit the accelerator so hard that he lurched forward giving himself the most insane case of whip-lash (or as I can tell from watching) and flew down the road. His head slammed forward and then twice as hard slammed back. I could tell it stunned him and he had already smoked the little import so he hit the brakes hard causing his whole body this time to jump forward. I know it’s not nice to laugh at others but I was laughing so hard that I almost hit the car in front of me that decided the turn right “all of a sudden”, didn’t they know I was watching the reckless idiots next to us? I laughed so hard my eyes I was crying but thinking to myself, at least he won that little ego controlled power jaunt down Shawnee Mission Parkway because it would just be sad if he had lost after going through that bodily torture.

I immediately pick up the phone, I just had to share. I was still laughing out loud when I tried to call Tracy of coarse no answer. (Ha-ha just teasing “T”) So I called Roy, I knew he wouldn’t get the humor quite like she would have but he did make a good effort to humor me.

So to that little white haired man in the shiny black Mercedes... you go boy! But next time you might want to wear a helmet :)

Happy Birthday Jasmin!!

Wow over 10 years ago I met this crazy wild girl with long hair and tons of attitude. I was 17 and she was 20 and e met at hairschool. I remember wanting to go with her so bad for her 21st birthday but I just wasn't old enough and then on my 21st her brother got married and we still didn't get to spend it together so two huge and some birthday have past and we haven't got to spend all of the together but I saw this is a big one for us. Her birthday and and the 10th one that I have known her. So I am not going to miss this one. Get ready Jas, let's celebrate :) Tomorrow is her birthday so I want to lots of shout out to her!!

My little boy is growing into a Man..

It's amazing how fast the time goes when your a mom. The little things you can still remember about the nights they were sick, or little things that say that melt your heart and sometime embarrass are burned into your memory. Well we had a great time over the 4th weekend blowing things up. I got him to hold still and put down the punk for a moment and snapped this picture. WOW he is almost as tall as me and not even 12 yet.


He isn't even standing up straight :) Ok getting tears just looking at it so gonna stop there and say I love you honey and I am proud to me your Mom or as you say "Momma"

The cutiest guy at Wal-Mart....

I was grocery shopping the other night and from a far I hear "Hi Desirwey" I know that sound... that is BUBBA! (Funnier yet was that I was on the phone with his Mommy.) Ok... wheeeere is he... oh, there he is stretching him self around his dad to see me, with the biggest smile on his face :) Of course I hadn't taken a pic so this was one I had to take a few minutes later when I saw him again at the check out... I yelled hey bubba and he yelled "WHAT??!" and gave another big grin for the camera :D

A small update

So a new one finally, not that many will read it. I don't think I have much of a following since it takes me month or so per blog but whatever. I thought Tracy might enjoy it :)

Well I have been reorganizing, re purposing and refreshing my whole house and home life. As part of that I finally set up my nice desktop computer that has been in the basement since I moved here over a year ago. My laptop is old and doesn't have much options but it did the minimal job I needed I guess. But I now have the capability of upload lots and lots and lots of pictures. I will catch up on that soon. But I have realized that I have never posted a picture or even much about my wonderful boyfriend Roy. Well lets have a chat.

We will have been dating a year next Thursday and what a year it has been. I know that it should all be love buttons and romance still but we are both single parents and getting older. We are not 17 anymore and life has many more stresses as adults, so we have had some struggles and stresses but life is great and we are great. I thought I would post a picture and let you all meet him.

This truly is him. Funny and sweet with tons of orneriness.

He hates his picture taken but loves ones where he is doing something silly or sweet. Trying to get a serious one is like pulling teeth. But hey I love him!

Well I will update next week on our our anniversary celebration goes. We are going on an overnight trip to the casino. Gonna try our luck at the slots and spend the night away from home.

Hope you all have a great week.

This me and Roy at the Kidd Rock & Lynard Skynard concert on the forth of July. I'm hot, sweaty and intoxicated. He's annoyed & partially blind.

I kept blinding him with my hair and the flash but because he loves me he didn't say a word and let me have my fun.

Quote that needed Sharing...

Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says "Oh Crap, She's up!"

Doing my part :)

I got a great tip today (from the fabulous Tracy) about Starbucks' new insulated cup for cold drinks. I have 2 great cups that I use everyday... courtesy of Tracy. But now I have one that will work great for refills of my fav iced drinks at Starbucks. Going green and saving space in a landfill and I got my first fill FREE!!

My Fabulous Friday

I love him deeply, and one of the many reasons why:

Random flowers are so incredibly thoughtful.

Love you Baby MUAH!

The Definition!

Your best friend should be somebody that you can trust one hundred percent. You should be able to confide in them knowing that they will not spread your news to other people. How many times have told a friend a piece of personal information and have then asked them not to tell anybody else about it? The sheer fact that you had to ask them not to tell other people should tell you that they are not best friend material.
All of us have stages of our life when we really need a friend. We may be in trouble, we may have done a terrible deed, what we require in this situation is somebody to support us, listen to our problems, offer advice, possibly a room to spend the night but most of all not to judge us. We all make mistakes; after all we are all human. A best friend will offer all of these things, without hesitation.
A best friend will not stab you in the back by attempting to steal your boy/girlfriend, they will not spread rumours about you, you should be able to trust them with your life.
Does your best friend have the qualities mentioned above? If the answer is no, this does not mean that you need to dump this person totally, it merely means that you should not be regarding them as a best friend.

Beautiful Day

Wow today was amazing. The only down side was having to be inside for most of it. I headed to work this morning feeling great. I had on a new outfit courtesy of goodwill and wal-mart. As mentioned previously trying to step it up. So out the door feeling great in my pencil skirt and oooooh so feminine cream colored top. Got lots of comments.. just wish they had been about something other than my fish-belly white legs. LOL. Oh well still feeling great about it. I went to meet Tracy for some much needed patio/"t" time. I love when we get together I always laugh my but off. Then headed home to find out that Shaun had already eaten cereal and ramen and Nikki had eaten at Brandy's. With my belly full of fabulous coffee all I had to do was whip up a couple quick BLT's for Roy before he went to work. Pre-cooked bacon makes it a 3 minute meal. Now the kids are in bed, Roy is at work, the windows are open and I am enjoy the great breeze. Man I am going to sleep like a baby. Hope it's an even better day tomorrow :O )

Wordless Wednesday

Shaun Michael, April 2009

Happy Administrative Pro's Day!

Just want to send a shout out to all those fellow admins out there. You know the business world wouldn't be complete without us, so pamper yourself today.

My boss Melissa brought me a very pretty pink Carnation.

I don't have a camera at work but this looks just like the one on my desk. Thanks Mel :)

The Move

Our company is moving a newly built building much closer to my home. The exact day has gone around and around but it was finalized today. We will be moving in 2 phases that start on July 10th. I will be part of phase one and responsible for helping those assigned to me. I realized today that the two months I have until that day are not going to be long enough. I have 4 of my own managers plus myself to pack and move. Then there are bout 10 others that I will need to help. I am dreading it and excited about it all at the same time. But I have to step up my game big time. I will be on the fifth floor with my managers and the other executive staff. I have been kind of slipping lately. Not sure if it's cause I haven't felt good or just got comfortable. I need to get get more professional clothes since most of mine don't fit anymore and refocus my time at work. I love days when I am busy and feel accomplished. So one more goal to the list "Step it Up DESIREE"

The Flood

Wow where did the weekend go? I had a busy one.

Friday: was bunko with girls, i lost but that means I won the booby bucket, an ice scrapper, flip flops, a lotto ticket, garden hose nozzle, and $6.

Saturday: was cold and rainy but it was great. Roy and I went bowling, played in the arcade and then went and saw "Observe and Report". Then he picked up Nikki and she had a friend stay over. We ordered pizza and rented movies. He was asleep at like 9:35pm. I zonked out about 11pm while texting with Tracy.. sorry about that by the way.

Sunday: the best part *ahem ahem; with complete sarcasim* was the flood we woke up to very earlier Sunday morning. We woke up and there was a strange smell in the house we thought it was coming from outside so Roy shut the windows and then the smell got stronger. As he headed out to get McD's for an early breakfast, mind you it was like5AM, and discovered the source of the awful smell. It was nasty flood of sewer water that had back-up from the drain the basement. There was like 1 1/2 - 2" of standing water covering over half of the basement. Well I don't have a shop vac so off to Wal-Mart he went to get one. A little while later with breakfast and a shop vac he returned to start the clean up. He was so great, no temper no question just jumped in and got to work. Making sure I didn't get in the water and stayed clear "for my safety". He is so cute sometimes, he is alway saying be careful and be safe. I guess he figured out my clumsy nature. LOL So hours later the water was gone but still had the smell. And while he was doing the clean up I was trying to get a hold of the maintenence people at "The Rent Company". As usual they didn't respond till about 4pm today. Good thing I have a great boyfriend or I would have been dealing with 2" of water in my basement all day.

However Sunday wasn't all bad, I did get in some "T" time and went grocery shopping. I have decided Sunday is grocery shopping day and I am not going to go at all durning the week, or a least that's the plan. I have budgeted and planned a menu for the whole week. I think it will save me money in the long run.


Hope you all at least as good a weekend as me :) LOL

A Quote for Thursday

I received this in an email this morning and thought I would share. Have a great Thursday!

Quote of the day: 'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.

If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'

Goals

I have new goals for myself. I found that if I put it in writing it helps keep me accountable. I learned this on my weigh loss journey. I have a line chart at my desk that I see everyday that reminds me of where I have been and how far I have come. I have reached my goal of a size 8 so it's time now to work on other important things in my life. These are not necessarily in order of importance just as they came to me.

• be on time to work
• start working out (also a doctors order so that helps motivate)
• stay on top of household chores (this one has slipped with the recent medical drama)
• clean out basement and have garage sale
• continue to build a better self image (it's amazing that you can loss 100lbs and still not feel great about yourself)
• More one on one time with Shaun
• More one on time with me
• Eat breakfast everyday
• get more sleep
• more friend time

So there it is for all to see. Now to get to work :)

Time for an update

So the last time I blogged it was about my stomach and I have been so busy since then that I thought I would fill you in on what happened with that.
March 30 - Had an upper GI scope done
April 3 - Went for a gastric emptying study
April 8 - Went to doctor to get results they are as follows:

I have GERD which is pretty common, basically acid reflux disease. Which I had a prior but in a different form. Also my stomach has decided to give out and stop functioning on a normal level. It is not emptying and processing food like it should so I now take several meds to heal the damage caused by the GERD and others to make my stomach emptying itself into my intestines since it won't do it on it's own or at least not like it should. Short story of it "I have an old stomach" for 27. I am supposed to limit all the good things in life like coffee, soda, chocolate, fried foods, fatty foods, dairy and high fiber foods. Of course I let them know that I would do my best but I was not going to quit all together. The good news is that I will be able to stop one of the meds (Kapidex) in a few months. Not that it really matters with the other five I will still have to be on but hey I am gonna live.

Stomach pains and no gain.

Let me start off by saying that I ate today for the first time since last Tuesday! It was oh so delicious and it has stayed down. KNOCK ON WOOD! A little background...

For the last couple of weeks I have been experiencing sharp pain in my stomach, a dull aching feeling between sharp pain, I have had no appetite, when I do eat it's been very small portions and then I feel really full followed by vomiting. Well last Thursday it got really bad.

Since I hadn't eaten since Tuesday I decided that I would try to force myself to eat a small sandwich. I only got a few bits down when the pain started. My stomach didn't agree and I didn't even make it to the toilette before it came back up. I made it to the bathroom but not into the stall. Then I realized it was all down the front of my sweater. Instantly I was gaging again. I couldn't even get the vomit off my shirt the odor was horrendous. I had to flag down the receptionist and the kind motherly type that she is she came to my rescue. She rinsed and washed my sweater in the sink while I stood helpless in a stall feeling mortified. I calmed myself down and tried to go back to work. I could still smell the vomit even through the soap smell. It was like nothing I had ever experienced before. It smelled like dog poo. I know completely disgusting right. So around 2:30PM i finally called my boss told her what happened and went home. I couldn't take the smell any longer.

I called my doctor and they wanted me in the very next morning. He did his poking and jabbing and question asking. He decided it sounded like I had gall bladder disease. Well since then I have had a battery of blood test, lots of poking and jabbing courtesy of the nice doctor, and an ultrasound Saturday morning. I was put on a liquid diet and several meds.

So finally I get word today.. it's not my gall bladder. At least not according to the ultrasound. SO NOW WHAT! I explain that I still haven't eaten and they decided to send me to a GI doc to do a scope. So now I have another appointment, which I am told it's only a consult to decide if they want to do the scope my doctor has now suggested, but NO answers yet. And I am starting to get really hungry.. and CRANKY!

So I came home to make tacos, the planned meal, they smelled so good I couldn't resist. I made one with very little meat... basically just smeared the spatula on a flour tortilla, added a little cheese, and a little sour cream. As I ate it I felt so guilty but it was so yummy. I've been in pain for a week so I was ready for the consequences. Anything I had to be better than the Ensure I had been having for the last several days.

Well my stomach is now hurting but not like it did before. The meds must be kicking in. I will try something else tomorrow and see if it stays down. I go Wednesday to the GI doctor and we will see from there.

Love my boss

I have been working at Kiewit for over a year now and I have grown very fond of all my co-workers and managers. I have one manager in perticular that is like an uncle or father figure more that a boss. Don't get me wrong if I screw up or don't get something done he will surely point it out. But he genuinely cares about me and how my day is going. He has even brought me my favorite drink from Starbucks on occation when he knows its been a bad day or just to say thank you. I really value his advise and encouragement. During my weightloss journey he even had me put up a chart. Not one that would embarrase me, the only numbers on it are pounds lost not actually scale weight. It has really helped to keep me accountable and if I didn't have someone else looking at to check progress I probably wouldn't pay it any attention. But I see it and it's a reminder of how far I have come. He tell me regularly that he thinks I am an amazing person. Not in a weird or sexual harresment way just a genuine appreciation for me. There are many times that his advise or wisdoms have been right on point. I am working on building a better me and he is helping. Thanks B.

Oh so fresh and So clean

Spring cleaning is one of my favorite things. I woke up this morning at about 7:30AM and started cleaning. I rearrange my sun room for the 3rd time since moving in almost a year ago. When I say rearranged I mean changed is purpose entirely not just moving around the furniture in it. I have moved the furniture in it countless times but it has gone from a computer room / office to my formal dining room to its now state, a sitting and just plain relaxing area. I dusted, swept, mopped, organized, I even figured out how to shorten and fix some of the mini-blinds. Ms. Monroe my sisters child/cat had broken a few trying to get a glimpse at the outside world when she stayed here. I washed dishes as fast as everyone could use them, I don't have a dishwasher so staying on top of the dished can be a chore. But with the spring air and a quiet afternoon these were not chores, it was much needed "ME" time. I was on a roll and loving it. With all the winter dirt gone everything seems clean and fresh now. Then to top of my most wonderful day I had "T" time with my beloved Tracy. Powerball, Starbucks and lots of laughs... a perfect end to a perfect day. I hope to spend tomorrow mending some pants I got a couple months ago and detailing the bathroom. For now it's time to curl up in bed and dream peacefully knowing all is in it place. Happy spring and don't forget about your clocks!

Some Part of You

The image in that photograph of the baby only a few hours old can still be found on your face. The stamp of you on hers. You were never... but always there. You are that hole in her heart that she has mended time after time but can never fill completely. She dreams about knowing and not knowing you. Hiding her real feelings so she doesn't scare off the few scraps you throw now and again. She learned to live like it didn't matter. Then a simple hello tears her apart. You were supposed to be the one to teach her to love. But you make her feel as she doesn't deserve yours. You never showed her what it was like to be powerful so how can you have so much power over her? Isn't she better than that, doesn't she deserve more than you give? Her tears are real not painted but you were never there to wipe them away.
How can it be so easy for a daddy to break his little girl's heart? She is part of you.

Monday's Suck

I woke up with early and got a jump on the day with enough time to wash AND dry my hair. It's gotten so long that I don't always have time with rangling kids and myself out the door. I set the alarm for 6am but rarely get out of the bed before 6:45am knowing I have to leave at 7:15am. I need to get in to see Jasmin and have it cut, it's getting dry and thus the static is horrific on dry days. So I am off to work and all I can think about are the chores I would like to complete at home. All day at work I will be thinking about where the weekend went and why I didn't get more done. Then when I'm at home I will be thinking of all the things at work that I didn't get done that I would have liked to. It's a vicious cycle.

Fabulous!

This picture is such a great representation of the happiness she brings to my life.

Tracy oh Tracy my beautiful, smart, funny, caring, compassionate, dear and precious, FABULOUS Tracy.

We spent some much needed and enjoyed time together today. I love my "T" time, we get together and talk and laugh. Even if it's about a heartbreaking moment in life, a stupid blunder or a rewarding growing encounter we have a great time. I love when I leave my meetings with her, I feel so uplifted and happy. We used to spend a lot of time together, but life and circumstances happen and we don't get that much quality time anymore. As part of my building a better me I am trying to surround myself with great people. I can't be happier that she is part of it. I wish I had more people like her in my life.

A little bit of my past

A little over 2 years ago my life changed drastically. There were many changes I made and it has been a long two years of ups and downs, but the one constant has been the improvement to my physical health. I had gained about 100 pounds in the few years prior but January 2007 I decided to get back to the me I had always known. So I changed my lifestyle and eating habits. It took a while but the weight finally started coming off. In this process I had a battery of test done and began working with my doctor to make sure I was being safe and healthy not just vain. I still have a little bit to go to my ultimate goal but I am very proud of myself. I did not use any pills or quick remedies. Exercise, portion control and moderation for those tempting foods was the key. I do not say that I am on a diet, I decided that when I told myself that I was "on a diet" that I didn't work as hard because it felt like a chore. Instead I began thinking things like, "do you really need to eat", "are you really hungry" and "is that what's best for, is it worth it". I would get cravings for things that I knew were not the best nutritional choice so I would get what ever I was craving but eat less. It seems like when you try to deprive yourself of what you really want a fill it with something else it doesn't work. Well 90 pounds down and my blood pressure is down and my cholesterol is great. I have more energy and feel lighter on my feet. I stop and put it in perspective sometimes. My 11 year old weights 84 pounds and I couldn't imagine caring him around all day but that's what I was doing, caring around that much extra weight plus. About a year ago my boss suggested that I start a chart to show my progress. I had plateaued for a little while and needed a boost. So I did, I have a chart that hangs at my desk that update weekly and see everyday. One day I came across a picture of myself at a much larger size and was shocked. I know that I was in bad shape but seeing it front of you is a WHOLE different feeling. So I went through some of my picture and made a weight loss photo time line. There are some gaps because face when we feel overweight and unattractive we don't like to have our picture taken. I want to remind myself that I never want to be that unhealthy again. It will always be a struggle but it's worth it. I'm worth it! I share this because I know that so many people struggle with this battle also and I want everyone to know it's possible. And even if you hit a bump or plateau in your journey if you stay positive and consistent it will get better. I don't think there is any idea size or a weight for everyone just be happy with yourself.

So here are the photos that I used for my time line.

I will be continuing my journey and update you as it goes.

First of many...I hope.

Ok so I have been bitten by the blog bug. So here it goes.



I've never been great at writing, spelling or grammer but I have so many thoughts running through my mind at once I thought if I took the time to write them down it might help me to keep myself sane. I have found myself feeling worn out lately just trying to keep up with myself but love reading others blogs. I have received some great wisdom and quick pick me up from time to time so maybe mine can do that for others.