Realities Over Yearnings

Reality = that which exists, independent of human awareness

Over = above or higher than

Yearning = A persistent desire

I have to let go of what could have been and see what was. I will miss the good times and hold onto those memories. I have to let go of the pain, sorrow and sadness but I will never forget.

In remembering, learning, and forgiving...in time, I will be stronger.

It was passionate, fun, adventurous, exciting and comfortable... at times. Unfortunately, it was also exhausting, frustrating, confusing, and heartbreaking more times than necessary... so I have to close that chapter.


It will forever change the story, but I have to move forward and begin writing a new one. One filled with joy, happiness, and love for me.

Fears.. throwing this one away!

I have a lot of emotional fears but I decided to start with probably the biggest one for me right now.

I have a huge fear of losing those in my life. I am terrified constantly if I say what I really feel or what I want that I will be rejected & hurt. I do this in my intimate, family and friendship relationships.

I am learning to take control of my life not those in my life. I have never felt the desire to control others but in my passive way of not giving those around me all of the real me I have been doing just that. By not stating clearly and without conviction what I want or don’t want I have allowed myself to become a weakened version of me, one that begs for love but never feels like I deserve it. I want to be confident enough to know that I can put myself out there and no matter what happens I tried. I went after what I wanted and I did it for me.

I have always taken care of me and my son financially and will continue to do so. However, emotionally is another story. I have never felt loved, truly loved, by anyone but my son. In a rational way I know that I have friends and family that love me but feeling it inside me only lies within me. I have not loved me most of my life. I have flaws that I nag at and pick at destroying myself. My idea of someone showing their love is a beaten, bruised, twisted, and misguided image and has been my whole life. I will not blame this on others and I am the only one that can change the way I view love. I see the idealistic romantic notions on TV and I want to have that too, that is TV not reality. We can have moments of grand romantics and passion but it has to joined with loyalty, trust, honesty, friendship, and the freedom to be who we are.

I find myself drawn to those that use and abuse me in some way or that allow me to use and abuse myself in order to gain what I see as their love. Well I am standing up and putting my foot down. Does that mean I have to cut out anyone and/or everyone in my life who was not giving me what I truly wanted or needed?

No, but it does mean that I have the right to say what I do and don’t want in my life. To say what I will and will not accept and goodbye to those that don’t fit in my life. We all make choices constantly everyday and we have to live with them and know that even if we make a mistake once in awhile that we had the courage to make the choice and accept responsibility no matter the outcome.

I will not allow anyone to take my power of loving me anymore. It’s my life and I want to spend the rest of it at peace with myself and challenging myself to find new adventures in life and be truly happy… my happy not anyone else’s.

Shaun's Halloween Costume

Today Shaun and I looked online for costume idea's. He wanted to be Michael Meyers but decided on Jason instead. We looked at pictures and came up with a game plan. We headed out to make the costume.

6.49 for a jacket at Goodwill
5.00 for knife
2.00 for mask at Walmart
some hand-me-down pants
and a lot of fun tearing up our purchases.


Shaun put on the jacket and slide across the wet trampoline.We dragged it around the firepit to put more black marks on it. Then laid it in the gravel drive and drove over it a few dozen times... this was the funnest part :) We then took it to the basement and with Shaun standing back I took a serrated knife and cut, scratched and mutilated the jacket and pants. We completed the look with an old knit top of mine that had some holes in it.
As we looked over the costume we felt pretty good but the clothes part seems so gross and dirty like the character but the mask was bright white and brand new. So back to drive way we went smooshing and scraping it in the gravel and dirt. The final product was an old used looking hockey mask and a great big smile on my little ones face. Yes I know how weird that sounds but he was so proud of helping to make his costume and thought i was crazy for running over it with the car!

Happy with my decisions

Recently I have been going through a tough break up. I ask myself constantly why if this was my decision is it so hard. I have finally come up with a few answer while I am still searching for the rest. I am not ready to let go of the relationship, but I realize that it is not good for me. It needs change and only I can change my part. I have been reading, praying, and relying on my friends and even Roy to help me through this. I have burden my friends an fair amount and for that I am sorry. I have tried to cut off all ties with Roy but I just can't seem to do it. I feel better when I have talked to him whether we are getting along or not. I am still standing up for what I want and what I need in life. That is a huge step for me. I have reached out to a professional to help me heal and build myself back up. I start seeing her on Tuesday and I am scared but hopeful. I have been needing some help figureing out me for a long time even without the recent relationship problems.

Now this next part will probably bother some of you close to me but it's how I feel. All I can do is hope you have as much confidence and faith in me as I do about this decision.


I still have hope for Roy and I...someday. Yes this would require a lot of change on both our parts and I know I can only make changes and better myself. I do hope that he can do his part grow up and be the man I deserve. I will not sit by and make him do it but I will stand tall working on myself and hope that he is doing the same. I love him and want the best for him. I am learning that I have to love me and want whats best for me even more whether it works out for us or not. But I am young and have lots of life left so there is always a possibility that someday it will be. For now I am still talking to him, we both have care and concern for one another but we cannot be together at this time. I am feeling very confident about my decision and looking forward to being a better me.

Letting out a big sigh and moving forward.

Explains it so well... for now

Thinking Out Loud lyrics by Lesley Roy

I've been losing my mind

I've been living a lie

I've been running away

For so long

I try to put on a face

And cover my heart

But I'm needing it now

So bad

````````````````

I don't know

How I feel

Maybe I'm mad

Or maybe I'm proud

Can't find the truth

Can't speak my mind

Don't know what Ill say

I'm just thinking out loud

Thinking out loud

````````````````

No, no I cant explain

What's happened to me

I feel like I'm right

And wrong

Inside everything's upside down

Everything's spinning around

And it's freaking me out

````````````````

I don't know

How I feel

Maybe I'm mad

Or maybe I'm proud

Can't find the truth

Can't speak my mind

Don't know what Ill say

I'm just thinking out loud

````````````````

If only for a day

I could be free

I bet you'd feel the same

If you were me

I'm gonna spit it out

Just let go.

I've been losing my mind

I've been living a lie

I've been running away

For so long

````````````````

I don't know

How I feel

Maybe I'm mad

Or maybe I'm proud

Can't find the truth

Can't speak my mind

I don't know what Ill say

I'm just thinking out loud

I'm thinking out loud

````````````````

Thinking out loud

Can't find the truth

Can't speak my mind

I don't know what Ill say

I'm just thinking out loud.

Words Only Wenesday

What we grieve for is not the loss of a grand vision, but rather the loss of common things, events, and gestures.

Ordinariness is the most precious thing we struggle for.

—Irena Kelpfisz —

Trying

My eyes are burning
My chest is aching
I cannot breath

I am angry and pissed off
I am disappointed and let down
I am hurt and broken...
but I still love!

How did I get here?
How could I have let this happen?

Everyone says be strong...I used to be.
I am trying. I am failing over and over with every tear.

I just want the pain to stop!

All I ever wanted was to be loved!

Why am I the unloveable one?????