Fears.. throwing this one away!

I have a lot of emotional fears but I decided to start with probably the biggest one for me right now.

I have a huge fear of losing those in my life. I am terrified constantly if I say what I really feel or what I want that I will be rejected & hurt. I do this in my intimate, family and friendship relationships.

I am learning to take control of my life not those in my life. I have never felt the desire to control others but in my passive way of not giving those around me all of the real me I have been doing just that. By not stating clearly and without conviction what I want or don’t want I have allowed myself to become a weakened version of me, one that begs for love but never feels like I deserve it. I want to be confident enough to know that I can put myself out there and no matter what happens I tried. I went after what I wanted and I did it for me.

I have always taken care of me and my son financially and will continue to do so. However, emotionally is another story. I have never felt loved, truly loved, by anyone but my son. In a rational way I know that I have friends and family that love me but feeling it inside me only lies within me. I have not loved me most of my life. I have flaws that I nag at and pick at destroying myself. My idea of someone showing their love is a beaten, bruised, twisted, and misguided image and has been my whole life. I will not blame this on others and I am the only one that can change the way I view love. I see the idealistic romantic notions on TV and I want to have that too, that is TV not reality. We can have moments of grand romantics and passion but it has to joined with loyalty, trust, honesty, friendship, and the freedom to be who we are.

I find myself drawn to those that use and abuse me in some way or that allow me to use and abuse myself in order to gain what I see as their love. Well I am standing up and putting my foot down. Does that mean I have to cut out anyone and/or everyone in my life who was not giving me what I truly wanted or needed?

No, but it does mean that I have the right to say what I do and don’t want in my life. To say what I will and will not accept and goodbye to those that don’t fit in my life. We all make choices constantly everyday and we have to live with them and know that even if we make a mistake once in awhile that we had the courage to make the choice and accept responsibility no matter the outcome.

I will not allow anyone to take my power of loving me anymore. It’s my life and I want to spend the rest of it at peace with myself and challenging myself to find new adventures in life and be truly happy… my happy not anyone else’s.

Shaun's Halloween Costume

Today Shaun and I looked online for costume idea's. He wanted to be Michael Meyers but decided on Jason instead. We looked at pictures and came up with a game plan. We headed out to make the costume.

6.49 for a jacket at Goodwill
5.00 for knife
2.00 for mask at Walmart
some hand-me-down pants
and a lot of fun tearing up our purchases.


Shaun put on the jacket and slide across the wet trampoline.We dragged it around the firepit to put more black marks on it. Then laid it in the gravel drive and drove over it a few dozen times... this was the funnest part :) We then took it to the basement and with Shaun standing back I took a serrated knife and cut, scratched and mutilated the jacket and pants. We completed the look with an old knit top of mine that had some holes in it.
As we looked over the costume we felt pretty good but the clothes part seems so gross and dirty like the character but the mask was bright white and brand new. So back to drive way we went smooshing and scraping it in the gravel and dirt. The final product was an old used looking hockey mask and a great big smile on my little ones face. Yes I know how weird that sounds but he was so proud of helping to make his costume and thought i was crazy for running over it with the car!

Happy with my decisions

Recently I have been going through a tough break up. I ask myself constantly why if this was my decision is it so hard. I have finally come up with a few answer while I am still searching for the rest. I am not ready to let go of the relationship, but I realize that it is not good for me. It needs change and only I can change my part. I have been reading, praying, and relying on my friends and even Roy to help me through this. I have burden my friends an fair amount and for that I am sorry. I have tried to cut off all ties with Roy but I just can't seem to do it. I feel better when I have talked to him whether we are getting along or not. I am still standing up for what I want and what I need in life. That is a huge step for me. I have reached out to a professional to help me heal and build myself back up. I start seeing her on Tuesday and I am scared but hopeful. I have been needing some help figureing out me for a long time even without the recent relationship problems.

Now this next part will probably bother some of you close to me but it's how I feel. All I can do is hope you have as much confidence and faith in me as I do about this decision.


I still have hope for Roy and I...someday. Yes this would require a lot of change on both our parts and I know I can only make changes and better myself. I do hope that he can do his part grow up and be the man I deserve. I will not sit by and make him do it but I will stand tall working on myself and hope that he is doing the same. I love him and want the best for him. I am learning that I have to love me and want whats best for me even more whether it works out for us or not. But I am young and have lots of life left so there is always a possibility that someday it will be. For now I am still talking to him, we both have care and concern for one another but we cannot be together at this time. I am feeling very confident about my decision and looking forward to being a better me.

Letting out a big sigh and moving forward.

Explains it so well... for now

Thinking Out Loud lyrics by Lesley Roy

I've been losing my mind

I've been living a lie

I've been running away

For so long

I try to put on a face

And cover my heart

But I'm needing it now

So bad

````````````````

I don't know

How I feel

Maybe I'm mad

Or maybe I'm proud

Can't find the truth

Can't speak my mind

Don't know what Ill say

I'm just thinking out loud

Thinking out loud

````````````````

No, no I cant explain

What's happened to me

I feel like I'm right

And wrong

Inside everything's upside down

Everything's spinning around

And it's freaking me out

````````````````

I don't know

How I feel

Maybe I'm mad

Or maybe I'm proud

Can't find the truth

Can't speak my mind

Don't know what Ill say

I'm just thinking out loud

````````````````

If only for a day

I could be free

I bet you'd feel the same

If you were me

I'm gonna spit it out

Just let go.

I've been losing my mind

I've been living a lie

I've been running away

For so long

````````````````

I don't know

How I feel

Maybe I'm mad

Or maybe I'm proud

Can't find the truth

Can't speak my mind

I don't know what Ill say

I'm just thinking out loud

I'm thinking out loud

````````````````

Thinking out loud

Can't find the truth

Can't speak my mind

I don't know what Ill say

I'm just thinking out loud.

Words Only Wenesday

What we grieve for is not the loss of a grand vision, but rather the loss of common things, events, and gestures.

Ordinariness is the most precious thing we struggle for.

—Irena Kelpfisz —

Trying

My eyes are burning
My chest is aching
I cannot breath

I am angry and pissed off
I am disappointed and let down
I am hurt and broken...
but I still love!

How did I get here?
How could I have let this happen?

Everyone says be strong...I used to be.
I am trying. I am failing over and over with every tear.

I just want the pain to stop!

All I ever wanted was to be loved!

Why am I the unloveable one?????

A new start

Its the first morning of a new week. I'm feeling better and I have decided that I want to try Jasmin's new church. My boss Joe also has been attending this church for a long time and from his description it might be a great fit for Shaun and I. Its something I have been missing from life for quite a while now and in quest to build a better stronger me I think its a good place to start.

Hoping for a great week :)

My Amazing Son!!

We had parent teacher conferences last night I have to brag a little. These were student lead conferences where the teacher sits down with us and he presents his work, his strength & weaknesses, and goals to us. Last year when we did this he was very shy and nervous but this time he stood proud.

Shaun is making all A’s and B’s even with being out of school for an entire week due to H1N1. He made up all the work he missed in a fraction of the time given. His math and reading scores continue to be way above the school & national average. To my surprise one of the A’s is an A+ in Spanish. He was extremely nervous about taking this class and it’s now one of his favorites. He has decided that he LOVES science and would like to go into a career combining science and animals… big surprise there huh. J

It’s just the beginning of the school year but he has already been noted as responsible, helpful and been seen doing random acts of kindness. His teacher said “He is so intelligent and he is confident but laid back. He is a joy to have in my class”. He even designed his Crew (aka homeroom) class banner. They are the “Brewer Funky Monkeys!”. So fitting for him, he has been the monkey boy his whole life. LOL

We all know Shaun is smart, talented, and kind but middle school can be awkward and scary. So far he is conquering it like the great little man that he is. I am so proud of him and had to brag a little.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TRACY!!

Tracy Underwood-Wood..(i giggle everytime I type this).. is one of my bestfriends and my "Friend Twin". There are so many things that we have in common but don't appear to be anything alike in a physical sense. We are 4 days a part and earlier this week on my birthday Tracy posted a list of 28 things she knew about me representing me [us] turning 28. So I have decided I LOVED it so much that I am going to do the same about her.

1. She is loyal

2. One of the FUNNIEST people I have ever met

3. Extremely Beautiful, inside and out!

4. She has an amazing gift with words

5. Creative, talented and forgiving

6. Loves STARBUCKS :)

7. Is a GREAT mother & wife

8. Always there when I need her

9. I can sit in silence and be completely content around her... although I don't think that happens very often as we are always laughing our butts off

10. Her feelings run deep and genuine

11. She doesn't like sports but loves to support her husbands teams

12. Has the best collection of jammie's

13. Types with just one finger.. but at the speed of light

14. Perfect blend of country & city

15. Loves music of all kinds

16. Is OCD about having things clean before bed

17. Goes to bed WAY to early

18. Loves Fashion, accessories and handbags

19. A great P.I.

20. Gives Great Advice

21. A Libra.. JUST LIKE ME :D

22. Loves to receive cards especially when a personal note is written

23. LOVE SURPRISES... just kidding they make her a nervous wreck but put a smile on face when she receives them

24. Is great at journaling her life and capturing those moments on film

25. Will wear flip-flops all year long.. as long as the snow isn't too deep

26. Has perfect skin.. without a flaw

27. Did I say funny, because it could be on here about 5 times and still not be enough

28. She has never met a stranger

She is my "call" when the good, the bad, the ugly or just plain silly happen she is who I call. I look up to her and value our friendship very much. I LOVE YOU "T"!!

Happy Birthday :)

Birthday Update

As I posted previously my best friends made my birthday so special. I wanted to show off my great gifts and give a little recap:
It started on Sunday October 4th with a Chiefs game with Roy. We got great seats; great weather and even though they didn’t win it we still had a good time. I saw my dad got lots of good pictures.

Then Monday was my official BIRTHDAY! Jasmin came to see me for lunch and brought me one of the funniest and true cards and a large bouquet of balloons in the shape of flowers and a butterfly. I just wish I was down stairs watching her trying to get them through the revolving door. After lunch I came back to my desk and as I started to get back to work I got an announcement that I had a delivery in the lobby. "Wow really two in one day". I had a smile from ear to ear because I just knew it had to be from Tracy… she had hinted to a surprise earlier ;) I got to the lobby to find a very colorful, fresh beautiful bouquet of carnation flowers and a sweet card. I sniffed the flowers so much on the way back to my desk that I got light headed. The card said “Two friends-4days apart with love on your birthday. Tracy” so I know Tracy pretty well and I knew there was some sort of message beyond the kind words I just couldn’t figure it out. So the next day she asked if I got the connection between the flower colors and the card. I had to admit I didn’t even think it had to do with the colors I just thought she picked ones I liked. So this is what the meaning to my card and flowers.

2 yellow flowers= 2 FRIENDS, 4 pink flowers= Pink is for Oct & 4=days apart
1 red flower is Love on your day!

Shaun gave me a card and a box of MIKE & IKE's... he said he couldn't find Hot Tamales. He's such a sweetie. LOL I also received lots loving and fun phone calls and emails from other friends and family.

So as my birthday week continues I’m still slowly celebrating. Jason and Sarah took me to “The Thai Place” for lunch today; yes that’s what it's called. It is my favorite restaurant. We laughed and gorged on great food and took a little extra time to digest. I got back from lunch and my boss brought me a gift from him and his wife. It’s a great bag brought back from Korea, all hand silk and pretty. I received one from them as a gift last year in a spring pattern and this one will be a great fall winter item. Thanks to everyone who made my birthday (day and week) a great one.

NOW it’s time to get ready for “T’s” fabulous birthday. YAY!!! October 9th !!!!

The card is hilarious from Jamin. You can't really see it in the picture but she wrote on top of the ladies heads... "Me.... You.... Tracy"! We are fabulous and will be the most fabulous old ladies :)

I have the BEST FRIENDS!!

I will post more later when I'm at home and have time but I just have to share that my BESTIE EVER Tracy & Jasmin have made me feel so special today! Thank you for the hilarious card and balloons Jas! And Thank you for the wonderful carnations "T"! I've been sniffing them so much I'm light headed :)