I love me.. I love me.. I think?

I recently read a blog a friend wrote and I could totally relate to something she said. She was talking about how she had lost weight and yet still felt horrible about her body, sometimes even worse than the way she did before she had lost any weight. Even though her husband was telling her how much he loved her and how sexy she was to him she still felt horrible. I have definitely had those moments.

I lost a total of 125lbs; the last 25 came off fast when I got sick and was really unhealthy. I have had to change how I eat again, just like when I started this journey but for very different reasons. I am now controlling my stomach issues the best I can and have put back on about 15lbs because I had lost WAY too much way to fast and it really was unhealthy and I looked sick. I have been at my goal size now for about 4 months and I still have major body image issues. I can still look in the mirror and pick out a hundred flaws. Are we ever happy with who we are??

I was feeling way more insecure about my body after I had lost weight. It took me 2 ½ years to lose the extra weight I was dragging around and now I still feel disgusting. My body at a size 8 now is not like my body was at a size 8 before I got fat. The clothes may fit and scale has a much smaller number but that doesn’t mean that things go back to the way they were. I got so used to thinking of myself as fat, or as I was technically diagnosed “morbidly obese” (see “T” it could always be worse) that when I wasn’t considered “fat” anymore but I still hated the way I looked it was even harder. It was so much easier to just say “oh well know I’m big”.

I look in the mirror and feel ashamed. I wonder how I could have ever let myself get to the way I was at nearly 250lbs. The proof of my negligence is marked all over my body with stretch marks, extra skin and cellulite. I cannot blame my failure on anyone but myself and I know I was completely responsible for the destruction of my body. I try very hard every day to let go of my old way of thinking but I still struggle. We are all human can be envious of others but wouldn’t we be so much happier no matter what our shape and size was if we just put all our efforts into making ourselves and loved ones feel good? A fantasy I know.

Movies are made up with lots of flashy lights and magazine covers and ads are airbrushed. We can’t all have a makeup artist to follow us around to cover all those “blemishes” we see in our bodies so why do we punish ourselves for not looking like the painted and polished versions of those we see every day on TV and in magazines?

Well, NO MORE!! They say you should look in the mirror everyday and tell yourself that you love yourself just the way you are. Ok that has always sounded corny to me but what could it hurt right? So I am going to try this and see how it works. I also have a new goal of building endurance and toning up. I’m not good at intentional exercise so wish me luck. And if you are ever at my home and see the notes posted to myself on the bathroom mirror, go ahead and give them a try, what can it hurt right?