I love me.. I love me.. I think?

I recently read a blog a friend wrote and I could totally relate to something she said. She was talking about how she had lost weight and yet still felt horrible about her body, sometimes even worse than the way she did before she had lost any weight. Even though her husband was telling her how much he loved her and how sexy she was to him she still felt horrible. I have definitely had those moments.

I lost a total of 125lbs; the last 25 came off fast when I got sick and was really unhealthy. I have had to change how I eat again, just like when I started this journey but for very different reasons. I am now controlling my stomach issues the best I can and have put back on about 15lbs because I had lost WAY too much way to fast and it really was unhealthy and I looked sick. I have been at my goal size now for about 4 months and I still have major body image issues. I can still look in the mirror and pick out a hundred flaws. Are we ever happy with who we are??

I was feeling way more insecure about my body after I had lost weight. It took me 2 ½ years to lose the extra weight I was dragging around and now I still feel disgusting. My body at a size 8 now is not like my body was at a size 8 before I got fat. The clothes may fit and scale has a much smaller number but that doesn’t mean that things go back to the way they were. I got so used to thinking of myself as fat, or as I was technically diagnosed “morbidly obese” (see “T” it could always be worse) that when I wasn’t considered “fat” anymore but I still hated the way I looked it was even harder. It was so much easier to just say “oh well know I’m big”.

I look in the mirror and feel ashamed. I wonder how I could have ever let myself get to the way I was at nearly 250lbs. The proof of my negligence is marked all over my body with stretch marks, extra skin and cellulite. I cannot blame my failure on anyone but myself and I know I was completely responsible for the destruction of my body. I try very hard every day to let go of my old way of thinking but I still struggle. We are all human can be envious of others but wouldn’t we be so much happier no matter what our shape and size was if we just put all our efforts into making ourselves and loved ones feel good? A fantasy I know.

Movies are made up with lots of flashy lights and magazine covers and ads are airbrushed. We can’t all have a makeup artist to follow us around to cover all those “blemishes” we see in our bodies so why do we punish ourselves for not looking like the painted and polished versions of those we see every day on TV and in magazines?

Well, NO MORE!! They say you should look in the mirror everyday and tell yourself that you love yourself just the way you are. Ok that has always sounded corny to me but what could it hurt right? So I am going to try this and see how it works. I also have a new goal of building endurance and toning up. I’m not good at intentional exercise so wish me luck. And if you are ever at my home and see the notes posted to myself on the bathroom mirror, go ahead and give them a try, what can it hurt right?

...And they're off....

I had the most wonderful evening with Tracy and the Starbucks patio. I had really missed my “T” time and we had a blast. Unfortunately we did have to go home at some point so we said our goodbyes and I headed to Subway to pick up dinner for the family. Grabbed a few sandwiches and I was on my way home when I got caught at a red light. As I sat there I was people watching like usually when all of a sudden the light turned green and the race was on.

To my left there was an old man in a Mercedes, or something like that, convertible and on his left there was this red fast & furious type import card with a big fin and one of those mufflers that sound like the sewing machines taking off into space.. you know what I’m talking about. Well these too had apparently been eyeing each other because the green light came and away they went. Squealing tires and all, then I see the funniest thing ever. The old man hit the accelerator so hard that he lurched forward giving himself the most insane case of whip-lash (or as I can tell from watching) and flew down the road. His head slammed forward and then twice as hard slammed back. I could tell it stunned him and he had already smoked the little import so he hit the brakes hard causing his whole body this time to jump forward. I know it’s not nice to laugh at others but I was laughing so hard that I almost hit the car in front of me that decided the turn right “all of a sudden”, didn’t they know I was watching the reckless idiots next to us? I laughed so hard my eyes I was crying but thinking to myself, at least he won that little ego controlled power jaunt down Shawnee Mission Parkway because it would just be sad if he had lost after going through that bodily torture.

I immediately pick up the phone, I just had to share. I was still laughing out loud when I tried to call Tracy of coarse no answer. (Ha-ha just teasing “T”) So I called Roy, I knew he wouldn’t get the humor quite like she would have but he did make a good effort to humor me.

So to that little white haired man in the shiny black Mercedes... you go boy! But next time you might want to wear a helmet :)

Happy Birthday Jasmin!!

Wow over 10 years ago I met this crazy wild girl with long hair and tons of attitude. I was 17 and she was 20 and e met at hairschool. I remember wanting to go with her so bad for her 21st birthday but I just wasn't old enough and then on my 21st her brother got married and we still didn't get to spend it together so two huge and some birthday have past and we haven't got to spend all of the together but I saw this is a big one for us. Her birthday and and the 10th one that I have known her. So I am not going to miss this one. Get ready Jas, let's celebrate :) Tomorrow is her birthday so I want to lots of shout out to her!!

My little boy is growing into a Man..

It's amazing how fast the time goes when your a mom. The little things you can still remember about the nights they were sick, or little things that say that melt your heart and sometime embarrass are burned into your memory. Well we had a great time over the 4th weekend blowing things up. I got him to hold still and put down the punk for a moment and snapped this picture. WOW he is almost as tall as me and not even 12 yet.


He isn't even standing up straight :) Ok getting tears just looking at it so gonna stop there and say I love you honey and I am proud to me your Mom or as you say "Momma"

The cutiest guy at Wal-Mart....

I was grocery shopping the other night and from a far I hear "Hi Desirwey" I know that sound... that is BUBBA! (Funnier yet was that I was on the phone with his Mommy.) Ok... wheeeere is he... oh, there he is stretching him self around his dad to see me, with the biggest smile on his face :) Of course I hadn't taken a pic so this was one I had to take a few minutes later when I saw him again at the check out... I yelled hey bubba and he yelled "WHAT??!" and gave another big grin for the camera :D

A small update

So a new one finally, not that many will read it. I don't think I have much of a following since it takes me month or so per blog but whatever. I thought Tracy might enjoy it :)

Well I have been reorganizing, re purposing and refreshing my whole house and home life. As part of that I finally set up my nice desktop computer that has been in the basement since I moved here over a year ago. My laptop is old and doesn't have much options but it did the minimal job I needed I guess. But I now have the capability of upload lots and lots and lots of pictures. I will catch up on that soon. But I have realized that I have never posted a picture or even much about my wonderful boyfriend Roy. Well lets have a chat.

We will have been dating a year next Thursday and what a year it has been. I know that it should all be love buttons and romance still but we are both single parents and getting older. We are not 17 anymore and life has many more stresses as adults, so we have had some struggles and stresses but life is great and we are great. I thought I would post a picture and let you all meet him.

This truly is him. Funny and sweet with tons of orneriness.

He hates his picture taken but loves ones where he is doing something silly or sweet. Trying to get a serious one is like pulling teeth. But hey I love him!

Well I will update next week on our our anniversary celebration goes. We are going on an overnight trip to the casino. Gonna try our luck at the slots and spend the night away from home.

Hope you all have a great week.

This me and Roy at the Kidd Rock & Lynard Skynard concert on the forth of July. I'm hot, sweaty and intoxicated. He's annoyed & partially blind.

I kept blinding him with my hair and the flash but because he loves me he didn't say a word and let me have my fun.

Quote that needed Sharing...

Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says "Oh Crap, She's up!"