Well it is Shaun's first day of junior high today and we messed up big time. I knew I should have gone and checked his alarm clock.
I woke up when Roy got home at 6:55 AM. DAMN i thought 6:55... Shaun is supposed to be ready for the bus by 7AM. As these thoughts run through my head and I'm jumping from the bed I hear the "honk, honk" outside and then the bus pull away. OMG what have I done!! I run to the stairs and call up to Shaun who is still fast asleep in his bed. Get up baby you have missed the bus we got hurry. Shaun and I get dressed and out the door in 15 minutes. I am panicking and cranky, I hate rushed mornings. So I'm moving crazy fast and kind of short tempered trying to make sure we got him there on time when he turns and says to me as calm as can be.. "I bet I make new friends on my way to class". "Your first hour?" I asked. He looked at me and then out the window and said "yep" with a big grin. But then I realized that this was just a blessing in disguise. I didn't think there was anyway I could get him there on time and get myself to work on time too so I hadn't planned on getting to see him walk into the new building today. But due to our faulty alarms and tired eyes I was able to witness another amazing milestone in his life.
He is so different from me when I was his age. I was insecure and had a very poor self image of my self physically and mentally. He is confident and sure of himself. He's mature and responsible and it makes me proud to know that I had a hand in that.
I pulled up to the school and watched him disappear into the big building, full of pride with his head held high, not an once of fear or hesitation on his face. I took a deep breath and pushed back the tears. I realized we did it and did it together! I am glad that alarm didn't work this morning and I can't wait to get home and hear all about his first day.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Thursday, August 13, 2009
I love me.. I love me.. I think?
I recently read a blog a friend wrote and I could totally relate to something she said. She was talking about how she had lost weight and yet still felt horrible about her body, sometimes even worse than the way she did before she had lost any weight. Even though her husband was telling her how much he loved her and how sexy she was to him she still felt horrible. I have definitely had those moments.
I lost a total of 125lbs; the last 25 came off fast when I got sick and was really unhealthy. I have had to change how I eat again, just like when I started this journey but for very different reasons. I am now controlling my stomach issues the best I can and have put back on about 15lbs because I had lost WAY too much way to fast and it really was unhealthy and I looked sick. I have been at my goal size now for about 4 months and I still have major body image issues. I can still look in the mirror and pick out a hundred flaws. Are we ever happy with who we are??
I was feeling way more insecure about my body after I had lost weight. It took me 2 ½ years to lose the extra weight I was dragging around and now I still feel disgusting. My body at a size 8 now is not like my body was at a size 8 before I got fat. The clothes may fit and scale has a much smaller number but that doesn’t mean that things go back to the way they were. I got so used to thinking of myself as fat, or as I was technically diagnosed “morbidly obese” (see “T” it could always be worse) that when I wasn’t considered “fat” anymore but I still hated the way I looked it was even harder. It was so much easier to just say “oh well know I’m big”.
I look in the mirror and feel ashamed. I wonder how I could have ever let myself get to the way I was at nearly 250lbs. The proof of my negligence is marked all over my body with stretch marks, extra skin and cellulite. I cannot blame my failure on anyone but myself and I know I was completely responsible for the destruction of my body. I try very hard every day to let go of my old way of thinking but I still struggle. We are all human can be envious of others but wouldn’t we be so much happier no matter what our shape and size was if we just put all our efforts into making ourselves and loved ones feel good? A fantasy I know.
Movies are made up with lots of flashy lights and magazine covers and ads are airbrushed. We can’t all have a makeup artist to follow us around to cover all those “blemishes” we see in our bodies so why do we punish ourselves for not looking like the painted and polished versions of those we see every day on TV and in magazines?
Well, NO MORE!! They say you should look in the mirror everyday and tell yourself that you love yourself just the way you are. Ok that has always sounded corny to me but what could it hurt right? So I am going to try this and see how it works. I also have a new goal of building endurance and toning up. I’m not good at intentional exercise so wish me luck. And if you are ever at my home and see the notes posted to myself on the bathroom mirror, go ahead and give them a try, what can it hurt right?
I lost a total of 125lbs; the last 25 came off fast when I got sick and was really unhealthy. I have had to change how I eat again, just like when I started this journey but for very different reasons. I am now controlling my stomach issues the best I can and have put back on about 15lbs because I had lost WAY too much way to fast and it really was unhealthy and I looked sick. I have been at my goal size now for about 4 months and I still have major body image issues. I can still look in the mirror and pick out a hundred flaws. Are we ever happy with who we are??
I was feeling way more insecure about my body after I had lost weight. It took me 2 ½ years to lose the extra weight I was dragging around and now I still feel disgusting. My body at a size 8 now is not like my body was at a size 8 before I got fat. The clothes may fit and scale has a much smaller number but that doesn’t mean that things go back to the way they were. I got so used to thinking of myself as fat, or as I was technically diagnosed “morbidly obese” (see “T” it could always be worse) that when I wasn’t considered “fat” anymore but I still hated the way I looked it was even harder. It was so much easier to just say “oh well know I’m big”.
I look in the mirror and feel ashamed. I wonder how I could have ever let myself get to the way I was at nearly 250lbs. The proof of my negligence is marked all over my body with stretch marks, extra skin and cellulite. I cannot blame my failure on anyone but myself and I know I was completely responsible for the destruction of my body. I try very hard every day to let go of my old way of thinking but I still struggle. We are all human can be envious of others but wouldn’t we be so much happier no matter what our shape and size was if we just put all our efforts into making ourselves and loved ones feel good? A fantasy I know.
Movies are made up with lots of flashy lights and magazine covers and ads are airbrushed. We can’t all have a makeup artist to follow us around to cover all those “blemishes” we see in our bodies so why do we punish ourselves for not looking like the painted and polished versions of those we see every day on TV and in magazines?
Well, NO MORE!! They say you should look in the mirror everyday and tell yourself that you love yourself just the way you are. Ok that has always sounded corny to me but what could it hurt right? So I am going to try this and see how it works. I also have a new goal of building endurance and toning up. I’m not good at intentional exercise so wish me luck. And if you are ever at my home and see the notes posted to myself on the bathroom mirror, go ahead and give them a try, what can it hurt right?
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
...And they're off....
I had the most wonderful evening with Tracy and the Starbucks patio. I had really missed my “T” time and we had a blast. Unfortunately we did have to go home at some point so we said our goodbyes and I headed to Subway to pick up dinner for the family. Grabbed a few sandwiches and I was on my way home when I got caught at a red light. As I sat there I was people watching like usually when all of a sudden the light turned green and the race was on.
To my left there was an old man in a Mercedes, or something like that, convertible and on his left there was this red fast & furious type import card with a big fin and one of those mufflers that sound like the sewing machines taking off into space.. you know what I’m talking about. Well these too had apparently been eyeing each other because the green light came and away they went. Squealing tires and all, then I see the funniest thing ever. The old man hit the accelerator so hard that he lurched forward giving himself the most insane case of whip-lash (or as I can tell from watching) and flew down the road. His head slammed forward and then twice as hard slammed back. I could tell it stunned him and he had already smoked the little import so he hit the brakes hard causing his whole body this time to jump forward. I know it’s not nice to laugh at others but I was laughing so hard that I almost hit the car in front of me that decided the turn right “all of a sudden”, didn’t they know I was watching the reckless idiots next to us? I laughed so hard my eyes I was crying but thinking to myself, at least he won that little ego controlled power jaunt down Shawnee Mission Parkway because it would just be sad if he had lost after going through that bodily torture.
I immediately pick up the phone, I just had to share. I was still laughing out loud when I tried to call Tracy of coarse no answer. (Ha-ha just teasing “T”) So I called Roy, I knew he wouldn’t get the humor quite like she would have but he did make a good effort to humor me.
So to that little white haired man in the shiny black Mercedes... you go boy! But next time you might want to wear a helmet :)
To my left there was an old man in a Mercedes, or something like that, convertible and on his left there was this red fast & furious type import card with a big fin and one of those mufflers that sound like the sewing machines taking off into space.. you know what I’m talking about. Well these too had apparently been eyeing each other because the green light came and away they went. Squealing tires and all, then I see the funniest thing ever. The old man hit the accelerator so hard that he lurched forward giving himself the most insane case of whip-lash (or as I can tell from watching) and flew down the road. His head slammed forward and then twice as hard slammed back. I could tell it stunned him and he had already smoked the little import so he hit the brakes hard causing his whole body this time to jump forward. I know it’s not nice to laugh at others but I was laughing so hard that I almost hit the car in front of me that decided the turn right “all of a sudden”, didn’t they know I was watching the reckless idiots next to us? I laughed so hard my eyes I was crying but thinking to myself, at least he won that little ego controlled power jaunt down Shawnee Mission Parkway because it would just be sad if he had lost after going through that bodily torture.
I immediately pick up the phone, I just had to share. I was still laughing out loud when I tried to call Tracy of coarse no answer. (Ha-ha just teasing “T”) So I called Roy, I knew he wouldn’t get the humor quite like she would have but he did make a good effort to humor me.
So to that little white haired man in the shiny black Mercedes... you go boy! But next time you might want to wear a helmet :)
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